Tears are a Reflection

Recently I took an leave of absence from work due to burnout syndrome - I was suffering from emotional exhaustion and significant depersonalization which was starting impact my patient care. I knew if I continued any longer those impacts could have been much worse. I hope to write more about what my experience of burn out has been so far but that is for another day.

Part of taking this time off work was seeking out some professional counselling to assist in restoring my well-being. My workplace offers an employee assistance program and I was able to reach out to a pastor that I had met with a few times. 

As I was meeting with this Pastor he kept asking me "Erika why don't you return to your father? (Father God) Whats holding you back?"  "Oh I don't know"  in response as tears are running down my face "I guess the shame that I feel, that I am not good enough to approach the throne."  "Erika" he says with such empathy "He never left, he is calling you back - its time to respond, it's time to come back, those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be"

Those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be

Those tears reflect that shame I feel, my lack of worth and imperfections. I cried because I didn't think I was worthy. 

I needed God to call me in his own way through people and places to remind me of his promises in scripture. That same evening I was helping out the youth group and our youth pastor was preaching and he mentioned these verses from scripture 

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing was separating me from God - it was lies that I was believing that was holding me back. God was calling me back.  This chapter reminds me that I was never worthy BUT God says "My son Jesus is and he will intercede on your behalf. So come, approach my throne because you are justified - I created you and have worth at the foot of my throne"

The tears now are starting to reflect that my worthlessness can be turned into acceptance. My imperfections can be accepted by love. I can approach the throne. 

Non-scale Victories

This is one of the few life motto's I have come across and adopted as a life mantra. A valuable lesson that needs to be on repeat.

Change your expectations

I have been recently participating in a diet called Whole30. The premise of this diet is to remove all sugar, dairy, all grains, legumes and alcohol for 30 days to do a systemic reset of your body and then to do a slow re-introduction of the eliminated food to see if there is anything that is making you feel unwell. I have the great privilege to do this with a group of people from my church otherwise I think my husband and I would have already given up. 

Some of the participants were choosing to measure the changes through body weight percentages. Being a women, a nurse, a friend and person who struggles with self image - I think body weight can be a challenging way to measure ones success. So I thought today that I would look at other victories that could be celebrated for this week. Some of them include...

Completing week 1 - this is freaking hard, breaking habits and maintaining self control. So YES! 7 days in the books

Learning new recipes - I have learned a lot about how to make things from scratch and that were genuinely money savers and tasted delicious like burgers and guacamole. 

Feeling confident - I am really proud of the self control that I have had over the past 7 days and I want to keep it up. 

Body composition changes - My favourites part about me are my eye lashes and lower legs... but now I am starting see my quadriceps again in my upper legs and that makes me smile. 

(ps. I would encourage you to do this as well - find something that you love about yourself no matter how small - I find its helps with my personal confidence)

No afternoon low - I feel like I have a continuous energy through the day - no afternoon low that begs for a nap and that also feels really good. 

So what does this have to do with expectations?  I didn't measure myself weight wise and I am not planning to but some of the group members did and disappointment and frustration came also. I was reminded that it is important to change our expectations and look for other victories. 

Effort is Required

I was on a run and was told the worst dating advice I had heard in a long time and I was very sad to hear that it still existed in Christian circles. The relationship had become hard, a challenge to see eye-to-eye and they were really struggling, and need peace. The average advice was, if the relationship got hard, then it is not meant to be and you should break up.

WHAT??!!

Is this what they know? All that they have been taught?

ALL relationships take work. Period.

You can not assume that something as beautiful as love in its complicated intricies, connections and mystery can just be created and maintain its self for life long enjoyment. It need to be nurtured, to be cared for so that it is sustained and grows.

So many people see work as a bad thing. As soon as work is needed in a relationship then it is assumed that it's not right. Wrong! As love grows and interweaves into the complexities of each individual, it slowly pulls them together and their messes become intangled. Each persons pains, flaws, inadequacies are revealed. All of those things in are messy. They require long conversations, maybe even gentle rebuke but most of all, a listening ear and a mind open to understanding.

So take heart brave one, and don't end something beautiful just because it requires work. Love grows in beauty with continuous nurture; talk often, be gentle and always be humble.

Love is always worth the effort.

To Feel Again

My wonderful sister recently got married and I had the privilege of standing as her matron of honour. It was a pretty emotional day as she is my baby sister and all. I was so excited and happy... and a little teary eyed too, but I never actually let the tears flow. I didn't allow the emotions flow through my body and allow myself to experience the moment, in some ways, its fullest potential.
My sister asked later that day why I had not let myself cry? A very small question really, but it actually caught me off guard. Why did I not let myself do that?

 I was pondering it more and after sometime of thinking I realized that the answer was very simple. I simply shut my emotions off. Maybe not off but I turned the dial waaaay down. I really don't know when the dial started shifting (probably a little while after the bomb in all reality) but it was then I discovered it. I could see why I did it. It was another coping mechanism so that maybe it would not hurt as much. The problem with this coping mechanism was that I stopped really feeling anything. And for me without feelings, experiencing life was not the same, I found life not fun.

I recall driving home from church down a country road with mostly green and telling my husband about this, saying I have to let myself feel again. That is the only way that I will be able to experience the world. So I started feeling and I was able to write again. It was hard and sometimes the emotions are ALOT; tears, anger, sadness. But there are the really happy times too. The laughing until you side hurt and crying because you are laughing so hard. Those are good things.

So cheers to those feelz, the good, great, bad, and the ugly because it how I experience this beautiful and messy world.

Dedicated to you Andrea, as you helped my heart feel again.

Written Sept 26, 2017. 

Backpacking in Killarney

My friend Haley is an awesome human and invited me to go backpacking through one of the trails in Killarney provincial park. I had never done anything like this before but it was amazing. We did a 4 day hike-in with everything we needed in 2 backpacks. It was really hard and rugged but amazing. I wanted to share a few thoughts and a few pictures.




Haley is very experienced at this and I trusted her fully - I never doubted her care for me or her lead on the trail. The "faith without doubt" concept - is much smaller right now in my personal faith. I need to feed my faith and remember how big God is.

The experts in the world say that going for a hike out in nature does one good to reduce stress. I would say it's true. This 4 day hike did not solve all my problems but it did definitely stabilized some brain synapses. I feel a little lighter.

Oh how I miss oak trees. Outside of this trip I could not remember the last time I saw an acorn. Stating that fact to my husband today made me teary eyed. I dearly miss being close to a forest and I really miss oak trees.

I am really proud of camping out for 3 nights (one of which resulted in serious frost on the ground) and feeling happy and content. I am strong and capable and can kick butt when required. Not everyone can do what I did and actually enjoy it and I am proud of that.

Those are my thoughts from my trip - not mind blowing by any means but right now they are a good place to start.

Keep Showing Up

During one of the conversations I was having at the rock climbing gym I was talking about an event that I was helping out with the youth group at my church. My friend asked me "What is youth group?" I was honestly taken aback by the question because youth group was 'normal' to me... something that I always knew existed and assumed everyone else did too.

"So what do you do?" was his next question and it was hard to give an answer.

"...well, I just show up really; I show up each week and talk to them, I listen to them and I let them know that I am around. I am consistent and if they need to talk, or if they want me to pray for them then I am here."

Being asked that question made me reflect on my own experience of youth group and the influences that have led me to be the leader that I am today.

Jr. High leader Mike - Mike showed up every week and loved music. I have very fond memories of listening to Toby Mac Portable Sounds album on the way to an event. I also remember asking him about his life, about him getting married and having kids. I was so naïve then and was super surprised that he wasn't married. Well Mike is married now and my heart swells seeing him with his wife and kids. Mike taught me the importance of conversation - invite the youth into your life, share your interests.

Sr. High leader - I don't remember her name but I do remember that one day she just stopped showing up. I still remember the feeling of being disappointed - that she didn't give us notice or anything. As an introverted person myself it takes energy to build relationships and I wasted time connecting with her. This leader taught me the importance of being consistent, those youth notice when you are gone - keep showing up.

Sr. High leader Denise - I remember Denise as this intense, super awesome women that was vulnerable and willing to walk along side me regarding my faith. Some of the stories she shared about her life I still remember and call on. Denise taught me the importance of being vulnerable - my stories remind the youth that I am human too, my struggles and triumph remind them that they can get through it too.

My youth leaders Ministry of Presence impacted my life then and have influenced the way I lead now. Thank you for being an example and helping me pass on the lessons you taught me. I will keep talking, stay vulnerable and I promise to keep showing up.

*To anyone who doesn't know Youth group is a weekly gathering of youth  (gr.9-12) at the church - we eat food, hang out and talk about Jesus. We also do monthly events and go on retreats every so often too.

Momentary Human Connection

A couple of days ago I went to the bar that a friend was performing a gig at. This was very much out of my comfort zone and not a place where you would normally see me. I was nervous walking in and I even asked my friend "so how do I buy a drink? I have never done this before"

Makes me laugh now... but guess what?! Bars in real life are like the ones you see on TV. 

We were sitting close to the front with the band I was supporting and a gentleman asked "how is your career going?" I was rather confused to be frank because I am a nurse not a musician, the gentlemen however thought I was a musician because I was sitting with all the instruments.

Anyway a few moments later that same gentlemen asks me to dance - a beautiful soft song was playing on stage and I said yes. This man ( I don't even know his name) said some very nice and kind things, compliments. {I have promised myself to accept compliments as they are and be grateful} The thing was, at the end I was like " I am taken, I am married...." and made it a rather awkward ending. ugh..

In that moment - 2 strangers enjoying the magic of music had a connection - however momentary - had a really beautiful human connection. I knew he knew I was married. I knew where I stood in my marriage. What I did not need to do was assume that the gentlemen wanted something more then a dance. I had friends behind me looking out and watching. I was safe and I knew where I stood. I missed out on truly experiencing a beautiful moment because I assumed the worst. In the future I want to embrace the connection - the momentary human connections that made our world beautiful.