Tears are a Reflection

Recently I took an leave of absence from work due to burnout syndrome - I was suffering from emotional exhaustion and significant depersonalization which was starting impact my patient care. I knew if I continued any longer those impacts could have been much worse. I hope to write more about what my experience of burn out has been so far but that is for another day.

Part of taking this time off work was seeking out some professional counselling to assist in restoring my well-being. My workplace offers an employee assistance program and I was able to reach out to a pastor that I had met with a few times. 

As I was meeting with this Pastor he kept asking me "Erika why don't you return to your father? (Father God) Whats holding you back?"  "Oh I don't know"  in response as tears are running down my face "I guess the shame that I feel, that I am not good enough to approach the throne."  "Erika" he says with such empathy "He never left, he is calling you back - its time to respond, it's time to come back, those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be"

Those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be

Those tears reflect that shame I feel, my lack of worth and imperfections. I cried because I didn't think I was worthy. 

I needed God to call me in his own way through people and places to remind me of his promises in scripture. That same evening I was helping out the youth group and our youth pastor was preaching and he mentioned these verses from scripture 

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing was separating me from God - it was lies that I was believing that was holding me back. God was calling me back.  This chapter reminds me that I was never worthy BUT God says "My son Jesus is and he will intercede on your behalf. So come, approach my throne because you are justified - I created you and have worth at the foot of my throne"

The tears now are starting to reflect that my worthlessness can be turned into acceptance. My imperfections can be accepted by love. I can approach the throne.