To Feel Again

My wonderful sister recently got married and I had the privilege of standing as her matron of honour. It was a pretty emotional day as she is my baby sister and all. I was so excited and happy... and a little teary eyed too, but I never actually let the tears flow. I didn't allow the emotions flow through my body and allow myself to experience the moment, in some ways, its fullest potential.
My sister asked later that day why I had not let myself cry? A very small question really, but it actually caught me off guard. Why did I not let myself do that?

 I was pondering it more and after sometime of thinking I realized that the answer was very simple. I simply shut my emotions off. Maybe not off but I turned the dial waaaay down. I really don't know when the dial started shifting (probably a little while after the bomb in all reality) but it was then I discovered it. I could see why I did it. It was another coping mechanism so that maybe it would not hurt as much. The problem with this coping mechanism was that I stopped really feeling anything. And for me without feelings, experiencing life was not the same, I found life not fun.

I recall driving home from church down a country road with mostly green and telling my husband about this, saying I have to let myself feel again. That is the only way that I will be able to experience the world. So I started feeling and I was able to write again. It was hard and sometimes the emotions are ALOT; tears, anger, sadness. But there are the really happy times too. The laughing until you side hurt and crying because you are laughing so hard. Those are good things.

So cheers to those feelz, the good, great, bad, and the ugly because it how I experience this beautiful and messy world.

Dedicated to you Andrea, as you helped my heart feel again.

Written Sept 26, 2017.