Decade in Review

Today at work the social worker asked 3 questions
1. What is your best memory?
2. What was your favourite concert?
3. What was your favourite travel destination?

I said - "I don't think I have been to a concert in the last 10 years." They were pretty surprised by that statement - I am not a music person by any means so concerts aren't on my radar. These were good questions though and got me thinking about the years that have gone by. So I thought it would be fun to do a decade in review. 1-2 sentences max about the last 10 years. I was 18 years old when January 1, 2010 hit and now 27 years on Dec 31, 2019... this is what went down.

2010 - finished high school, went to Poland on a mission trip and started my first year of post secondary schooling at bible college.
2011 - finished my year at bible college and went to Cameroon on a mission trip to promote the bible n the oku language.
2012 - started my first year of nursing school and started dating my husband
2013 - married my husband Jonathan (best memory of the decade)
2014 - survived (barely) 3rd year of nursing school and my first year of marriage
2015 - first panic attack, dropped out of nursing school for my last semester and travelled to Indonesia to lead a team on short terms mission trip. Finished nursing school.
2016 - passed my NCLEX and got my first nursing job
2017 - lived on permanent night shift, started playing D&D - became a full blown nerd
2018 - started visiting community nursing, bible study and shaved part of my head
2019 - took an LOA from work, got my first really big tattoo and started rock climbing

In the past decade, I finished my degree, travelled to 3 different continents with short term missions, got married and started my career as a nurse. It's be an crazy, intense mind hurting and healing ride. God has continued to call me to himself and I hope through these things God can be glorified. I have no idea what the next 10 years have in store - I know it won't look anything like this and that is where the adventure begins.

Christmas Latte's

I have noticed that the Christmas season has been really hard for me this year. It was hard to feel festive, to feel the magic of Christmas lights, the decorations and the Christmas trees. I didn't realize it but I had a little Christmas tradition that I wasn't able to participate in this year that threw me off hard.


Ever since I met my husband Starbucks has been my coffee shop. Yes, (sigh...) I know it is incredibly expensive but when I was in school and my Starbucks store was 24hr, well... I spend A LOT of time there and Starbucks refills were my saving grace. So every year at Christmas when Starbucks Christmas launch occurs my favourite drinks comes out of a Caramel Brule Latte.


Every year now, for probably as I long as I have been married I go to Starbucks, get my latte and welcome the Christmas season. I sit in Starbucks reflecting about how my favourite season has begun.


This year though - since I was on the whole30 - that little micro tradition didn't happen. I didn't really realize how much that little tradition meant to me until I had that latte. To me that first sip in my Starbucks shop brings my Christmas to life. I now wrestle with that thought a bit because I ask myself "Is that what Christmas is to me now?" Latte's and the stress of finding the right Christmas gift for a constantly expending family in law? But often times in that first sip I am still there at Starbucks, with my phone or laptop and as I sit there I reflect on what Christmas really is - Jesus.


Christmas is Jesus - his beautiful entrance into the world as tiny little human. For a moment taking off his full ability of God and stepping into time a as a human. To walk the same earth that I do and fulfilling all the prophecies and expectancy of a saviour. His entrance was not what we expected but it was what we needed.
So as the Christmas season is almost through (only 2 days left until the day) I would like to say

Welcome Christmas Season. Thank you Jesus for coming, I hope I celebrate you well.

You are still you.

I have been working a lot lately in the world of palliative care and have learned a few things. 

I learned that palliative care is just that - a care plan. Yet we often phrase it “you have been deemed palliative” or “you are palliative”. In so many ways we are reducing that person to that one thing - that one concept. I had heard about this idea in class and read the theories but until I actually SAW it happen I didn’t realize the impact it had. 

I was caring for a patient who had been deemed palliative and they thought that was all they were. Their perspective was that everything was being taken away and everyone had given up. They made very clear that they hated using that word "palliative".

When it was explained “you are still who you are...... palliation - it’s an approach - so that when new HCP* join your team they have an idea of what your goals are. But that does not define you - You are still you.” I fully watched the pts expression change and it looked as if their whole body relaxed - so much tension was held over that label. 

That really challenged me as a nurse and how my communication impact the patients view of themselves. It reminded me of an idea or thought that was explained at a conference. Palliative care and treatment can go together - working side by side to produce the best care of comfort to create a current trajectory of excellent quality of life. 

It also challenged me to recognize labels that I might be putting on a person. It reminded me to always first look at my patient as a person, to see who they are. This patient was challenging but I was shown how to see them and how big of a difference that can make; to look past their fears and their projections and see them as human, a human like me.

It challenged me to approach my conversations regarding palliative care in a different light. To make it as clear as possible that palliative care is a care plan that promotes quality of life. Time with family and friends. Time to leave behind a legacy of who they are - to reflect and explore their impact on the people they love the most. Yes, most people who have a palliative care plan are dying but until they are dead they have time to live. My job is to provide the best tools and services I can offer so they can do it well. 

*HCP Health Care Professional

All Authority

This past Thursday I had the opportunity to speak at the youth group that I help out in. I was talking about Jesus I AM statements of "I am the gate" and "I am the good shepherd" Talking in front of the whole youth group instead of doing bible study was so much more nerve racking. I am really grateful that it went well.

The interesting part was the last verses in that passage. It states

John 10:17-19

"For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me me but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from the Father."

I  called these statements Jesus' 'mic drop'. In these words Jesus is proclaiming that he has ALL authority over life and death. Jesus says that he will die and come back to life - and that coming back to life part - he is involved in that. By his own sheer power he can allow himself to come back to life. How unfathomable is that?!

Jesus has authority over death and life and everything in between. As I was reflecting on that passage a poem that I wrote came to mind (see previous post) I had given these people in my life so much authority - so much power allowing them to define me in their space. By asking that 'what if' question I gave myself the permission to take the authority that I had given these people and put it back on Jesus. The authority that really belonged to him the whole time.

When I actually let Him have that space - wow - talk about freedom. I didn't have to hide behind a mask of perfection. I didn't have to fit into a mold to feel accepted, I could simply be me.
That. is. freedom. That is pasture. Those people are still going to push me to fit the mold and/or press their expectations down onto me but! now; now I can say no. Now, in the midst of the chaos - I can find pasture.

"I am the door, if anyone enters by me, he will come and go and find pasture" vs. 7 

What if?

What if I just said no?

What if I just stopped giving you the permission to hang that over me? 

You no longer had any bearing of how I saw myself when you looked at me. 

What if I said no. 

No to your disappointment

No to your expectations

No to your dragging through the dirt

What if I stopped believing that... 

Your disappointment defines my value

Your expectations define my worth

Your aggressions define my interactions

My value is defined by the One who paints the sunsets

My worth is defined by my unique gifts - my creativity, vulnerability and quirks

My interaction can be intentional and not reactional

What if I started believing I was enough?

What if I stopped believing you.

Shoes

Shoes

Little feet, small shoes, short steps

Pedicured toes, right size, good pace.

MAKE your feet grow!

CHANGE your shoes!

TAKE bigger steps!

Small feet, different shoes, larger steps

Blistered toes, worn out shoes, tired pace.

NO!

Little feet, small shoes, shorter steps

Pedicured toes, right size, good pace.

Kept walking.

A poem based on perceived expectations that I allowed to be placed on me by another woman. I can not fulfill your expectations. Placing those expectations aside, defining my own path - I will keep walking. 

Finding hope with Oak Trees

Research suggests that the best antidote for burnout is Hope. Hope is a big word, a big concept - to have hope in someone, of something, or the future.  When I was reading articles, trying to understand how to heal from burnout, I asked myself where do I find hope? I was hoping in a new job, hoping for better outcomes hoping for something to change. I was placing my hope in things that I could not control. Things that were temporary. Ask I continued to read and think this line continued to pop into my head; 

Where does my hope come from? It comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  

What I was really thinking of was a song from my childhood Sunday morning worship by Brian Derksen who wrote a song based on Psalm 121.

I lift my eyes up  Up to the mountains  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from You  Maker of Heaven  Creator of the earth 

Oh, how I need You Lord  You are my only hope  You're my only prayer  So I will wait for You  To come and rescue me  Come and give me life

I have access to a hope that is eternal, steadfast and in control despite the chaos in my word. The problem being I was so afraid to hold onto that hope because I didn't believe that I was worthy of it. I didn't believe that I was accepted by God and could have access to that hope. Those chains that I have been bound by are starting to come free. 

So what does this have to do with oak trees? Its coming I promise. 
When I came home from Killarney I was very teary eyed over not remembering the last time I saw Oak trees. I really do love forests and the momentary escape that nature can provide - God reveals himself in such a beautiful way through creation. 

As I was driving I saw that there were new trees being planted along a road that I drive frequently. In addition to that there were Oak trees, little baby oak trees and it that moment I could thought God saying

"Here, I saw your tears of oak trees. I was always here, listening - I will give you hope - here are your oak trees" 

God was answering that question - you find hope in me - come to me and let me restore you. So I say this with full confidence, I am very grateful for oak trees. 

Tears are a Reflection

Recently I took an leave of absence from work due to burnout syndrome - I was suffering from emotional exhaustion and significant depersonalization which was starting impact my patient care. I knew if I continued any longer those impacts could have been much worse. I hope to write more about what my experience of burn out has been so far but that is for another day.

Part of taking this time off work was seeking out some professional counselling to assist in restoring my well-being. My workplace offers an employee assistance program and I was able to reach out to a pastor that I had met with a few times. 

As I was meeting with this Pastor he kept asking me "Erika why don't you return to your father? (Father God) Whats holding you back?"  "Oh I don't know"  in response as tears are running down my face "I guess the shame that I feel, that I am not good enough to approach the throne."  "Erika" he says with such empathy "He never left, he is calling you back - its time to respond, it's time to come back, those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be"

Those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be

Those tears reflect that shame I feel, my lack of worth and imperfections. I cried because I didn't think I was worthy. 

I needed God to call me in his own way through people and places to remind me of his promises in scripture. That same evening I was helping out the youth group and our youth pastor was preaching and he mentioned these verses from scripture 

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing was separating me from God - it was lies that I was believing that was holding me back. God was calling me back.  This chapter reminds me that I was never worthy BUT God says "My son Jesus is and he will intercede on your behalf. So come, approach my throne because you are justified - I created you and have worth at the foot of my throne"

The tears now are starting to reflect that my worthlessness can be turned into acceptance. My imperfections can be accepted by love. I can approach the throne. 

Non-scale Victories

This is one of the few life motto's I have come across and adopted as a life mantra. A valuable lesson that needs to be on repeat.

Change your expectations

I have been recently participating in a diet called Whole30. The premise of this diet is to remove all sugar, dairy, all grains, legumes and alcohol for 30 days to do a systemic reset of your body and then to do a slow re-introduction of the eliminated food to see if there is anything that is making you feel unwell. I have the great privilege to do this with a group of people from my church otherwise I think my husband and I would have already given up. 

Some of the participants were choosing to measure the changes through body weight percentages. Being a women, a nurse, a friend and person who struggles with self image - I think body weight can be a challenging way to measure ones success. So I thought today that I would look at other victories that could be celebrated for this week. Some of them include...

Completing week 1 - this is freaking hard, breaking habits and maintaining self control. So YES! 7 days in the books

Learning new recipes - I have learned a lot about how to make things from scratch and that were genuinely money savers and tasted delicious like burgers and guacamole. 

Feeling confident - I am really proud of the self control that I have had over the past 7 days and I want to keep it up. 

Body composition changes - My favourites part about me are my eye lashes and lower legs... but now I am starting see my quadriceps again in my upper legs and that makes me smile. 

(ps. I would encourage you to do this as well - find something that you love about yourself no matter how small - I find its helps with my personal confidence)

No afternoon low - I feel like I have a continuous energy through the day - no afternoon low that begs for a nap and that also feels really good. 

So what does this have to do with expectations?  I didn't measure myself weight wise and I am not planning to but some of the group members did and disappointment and frustration came also. I was reminded that it is important to change our expectations and look for other victories. 

Effort is Required

I was on a run and was told the worst dating advice I had heard in a long time and I was very sad to hear that it still existed in Christian circles. The relationship had become hard, a challenge to see eye-to-eye and they were really struggling, and need peace. The average advice was, if the relationship got hard, then it is not meant to be and you should break up.

WHAT??!!

Is this what they know? All that they have been taught?

ALL relationships take work. Period.

You can not assume that something as beautiful as love in its complicated intricies, connections and mystery can just be created and maintain its self for life long enjoyment. It need to be nurtured, to be cared for so that it is sustained and grows.

So many people see work as a bad thing. As soon as work is needed in a relationship then it is assumed that it's not right. Wrong! As love grows and interweaves into the complexities of each individual, it slowly pulls them together and their messes become intangled. Each persons pains, flaws, inadequacies are revealed. All of those things in are messy. They require long conversations, maybe even gentle rebuke but most of all, a listening ear and a mind open to understanding.

So take heart brave one, and don't end something beautiful just because it requires work. Love grows in beauty with continuous nurture; talk often, be gentle and always be humble.

Love is always worth the effort.

To Feel Again

My wonderful sister recently got married and I had the privilege of standing as her matron of honour. It was a pretty emotional day as she is my baby sister and all. I was so excited and happy... and a little teary eyed too, but I never actually let the tears flow. I didn't allow the emotions flow through my body and allow myself to experience the moment, in some ways, its fullest potential.
My sister asked later that day why I had not let myself cry? A very small question really, but it actually caught me off guard. Why did I not let myself do that?

 I was pondering it more and after sometime of thinking I realized that the answer was very simple. I simply shut my emotions off. Maybe not off but I turned the dial waaaay down. I really don't know when the dial started shifting (probably a little while after the bomb in all reality) but it was then I discovered it. I could see why I did it. It was another coping mechanism so that maybe it would not hurt as much. The problem with this coping mechanism was that I stopped really feeling anything. And for me without feelings, experiencing life was not the same, I found life not fun.

I recall driving home from church down a country road with mostly green and telling my husband about this, saying I have to let myself feel again. That is the only way that I will be able to experience the world. So I started feeling and I was able to write again. It was hard and sometimes the emotions are ALOT; tears, anger, sadness. But there are the really happy times too. The laughing until you side hurt and crying because you are laughing so hard. Those are good things.

So cheers to those feelz, the good, great, bad, and the ugly because it how I experience this beautiful and messy world.

Dedicated to you Andrea, as you helped my heart feel again.

Written Sept 26, 2017. 

Backpacking in Killarney

My friend Haley is an awesome human and invited me to go backpacking through one of the trails in Killarney provincial park. I had never done anything like this before but it was amazing. We did a 4 day hike-in with everything we needed in 2 backpacks. It was really hard and rugged but amazing. I wanted to share a few thoughts and a few pictures.




Haley is very experienced at this and I trusted her fully - I never doubted her care for me or her lead on the trail. The "faith without doubt" concept - is much smaller right now in my personal faith. I need to feed my faith and remember how big God is.

The experts in the world say that going for a hike out in nature does one good to reduce stress. I would say it's true. This 4 day hike did not solve all my problems but it did definitely stabilized some brain synapses. I feel a little lighter.

Oh how I miss oak trees. Outside of this trip I could not remember the last time I saw an acorn. Stating that fact to my husband today made me teary eyed. I dearly miss being close to a forest and I really miss oak trees.

I am really proud of camping out for 3 nights (one of which resulted in serious frost on the ground) and feeling happy and content. I am strong and capable and can kick butt when required. Not everyone can do what I did and actually enjoy it and I am proud of that.

Those are my thoughts from my trip - not mind blowing by any means but right now they are a good place to start.

Keep Showing Up

During one of the conversations I was having at the rock climbing gym I was talking about an event that I was helping out with the youth group at my church. My friend asked me "What is youth group?" I was honestly taken aback by the question because youth group was 'normal' to me... something that I always knew existed and assumed everyone else did too.

"So what do you do?" was his next question and it was hard to give an answer.

"...well, I just show up really; I show up each week and talk to them, I listen to them and I let them know that I am around. I am consistent and if they need to talk, or if they want me to pray for them then I am here."

Being asked that question made me reflect on my own experience of youth group and the influences that have led me to be the leader that I am today.

Jr. High leader Mike - Mike showed up every week and loved music. I have very fond memories of listening to Toby Mac Portable Sounds album on the way to an event. I also remember asking him about his life, about him getting married and having kids. I was so naïve then and was super surprised that he wasn't married. Well Mike is married now and my heart swells seeing him with his wife and kids. Mike taught me the importance of conversation - invite the youth into your life, share your interests.

Sr. High leader - I don't remember her name but I do remember that one day she just stopped showing up. I still remember the feeling of being disappointed - that she didn't give us notice or anything. As an introverted person myself it takes energy to build relationships and I wasted time connecting with her. This leader taught me the importance of being consistent, those youth notice when you are gone - keep showing up.

Sr. High leader Denise - I remember Denise as this intense, super awesome women that was vulnerable and willing to walk along side me regarding my faith. Some of the stories she shared about her life I still remember and call on. Denise taught me the importance of being vulnerable - my stories remind the youth that I am human too, my struggles and triumph remind them that they can get through it too.

My youth leaders Ministry of Presence impacted my life then and have influenced the way I lead now. Thank you for being an example and helping me pass on the lessons you taught me. I will keep talking, stay vulnerable and I promise to keep showing up.

*To anyone who doesn't know Youth group is a weekly gathering of youth  (gr.9-12) at the church - we eat food, hang out and talk about Jesus. We also do monthly events and go on retreats every so often too.

Momentary Human Connection

A couple of days ago I went to the bar that a friend was performing a gig at. This was very much out of my comfort zone and not a place where you would normally see me. I was nervous walking in and I even asked my friend "so how do I buy a drink? I have never done this before"

Makes me laugh now... but guess what?! Bars in real life are like the ones you see on TV. 

We were sitting close to the front with the band I was supporting and a gentleman asked "how is your career going?" I was rather confused to be frank because I am a nurse not a musician, the gentlemen however thought I was a musician because I was sitting with all the instruments.

Anyway a few moments later that same gentlemen asks me to dance - a beautiful soft song was playing on stage and I said yes. This man ( I don't even know his name) said some very nice and kind things, compliments. {I have promised myself to accept compliments as they are and be grateful} The thing was, at the end I was like " I am taken, I am married...." and made it a rather awkward ending. ugh..

In that moment - 2 strangers enjoying the magic of music had a connection - however momentary - had a really beautiful human connection. I knew he knew I was married. I knew where I stood in my marriage. What I did not need to do was assume that the gentlemen wanted something more then a dance. I had friends behind me looking out and watching. I was safe and I knew where I stood. I missed out on truly experiencing a beautiful moment because I assumed the worst. In the future I want to embrace the connection - the momentary human connections that made our world beautiful.

Defining my Purpose

Aimless is defined as one without direction or purpose. Wondering aimlessly - moving but with no sense of a target, goal or direction.

Aimless would be a good word to describe the last little while, not really sure what to do next. How do I proceed into this time? What even do I want to do or achieve?

I recently completed a "Power of Purpose" Masterclass facilitated by Janice Stone. A wonderful women who I have had the privilege of knowing for a very long time. I had shared some of struggle with this aimlessness and she invited me to join.

And WOW! What an amazing experience it was! She encouraged us to see in ourselves new perspectives and challenge ourselves to find the best of who we are and what we value and then to create a statement. To define our purpose and apply it EVERYWHERE. In our work places, in our friend groups, and all other activities.

So this is me.

I will cheer on and care for those around me in the loud and quiet spaces to let their creativity and uniqueness be noticed and valued. 

Defining my purpose has provided direction in my workplace and in my personal life. I think slowly it will help to see my work life in a new light which I desperately need - burnout as a nurse is SO real. I am grateful that God gives all us unique and beautiful gifts that provide purpose that is unique to each one of us. 

** If you are interested in defining your purpose check out janicestone.ca , you will not be disappointed!**