Shoes

Shoes

Little feet, small shoes, short steps

Pedicured toes, right size, good pace.

MAKE your feet grow!

CHANGE your shoes!

TAKE bigger steps!

Small feet, different shoes, larger steps

Blistered toes, worn out shoes, tired pace.

NO!

Little feet, small shoes, shorter steps

Pedicured toes, right size, good pace.

Kept walking.

A poem based on perceived expectations that I allowed to be placed on me by another woman. I can not fulfill your expectations. Placing those expectations aside, defining my own path - I will keep walking. 

Finding hope with Oak Trees

Research suggests that the best antidote for burnout is Hope. Hope is a big word, a big concept - to have hope in someone, of something, or the future.  When I was reading articles, trying to understand how to heal from burnout, I asked myself where do I find hope? I was hoping in a new job, hoping for better outcomes hoping for something to change. I was placing my hope in things that I could not control. Things that were temporary. Ask I continued to read and think this line continued to pop into my head; 

Where does my hope come from? It comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  

What I was really thinking of was a song from my childhood Sunday morning worship by Brian Derksen who wrote a song based on Psalm 121.

I lift my eyes up  Up to the mountains  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from You  Maker of Heaven  Creator of the earth 

Oh, how I need You Lord  You are my only hope  You're my only prayer  So I will wait for You  To come and rescue me  Come and give me life

I have access to a hope that is eternal, steadfast and in control despite the chaos in my word. The problem being I was so afraid to hold onto that hope because I didn't believe that I was worthy of it. I didn't believe that I was accepted by God and could have access to that hope. Those chains that I have been bound by are starting to come free. 

So what does this have to do with oak trees? Its coming I promise. 
When I came home from Killarney I was very teary eyed over not remembering the last time I saw Oak trees. I really do love forests and the momentary escape that nature can provide - God reveals himself in such a beautiful way through creation. 

As I was driving I saw that there were new trees being planted along a road that I drive frequently. In addition to that there were Oak trees, little baby oak trees and it that moment I could thought God saying

"Here, I saw your tears of oak trees. I was always here, listening - I will give you hope - here are your oak trees" 

God was answering that question - you find hope in me - come to me and let me restore you. So I say this with full confidence, I am very grateful for oak trees. 

Tears are a Reflection

Recently I took an leave of absence from work due to burnout syndrome - I was suffering from emotional exhaustion and significant depersonalization which was starting impact my patient care. I knew if I continued any longer those impacts could have been much worse. I hope to write more about what my experience of burn out has been so far but that is for another day.

Part of taking this time off work was seeking out some professional counselling to assist in restoring my well-being. My workplace offers an employee assistance program and I was able to reach out to a pastor that I had met with a few times. 

As I was meeting with this Pastor he kept asking me "Erika why don't you return to your father? (Father God) Whats holding you back?"  "Oh I don't know"  in response as tears are running down my face "I guess the shame that I feel, that I am not good enough to approach the throne."  "Erika" he says with such empathy "He never left, he is calling you back - its time to respond, it's time to come back, those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be"

Those tears you cry are a reflection of where you want to be

Those tears reflect that shame I feel, my lack of worth and imperfections. I cried because I didn't think I was worthy. 

I needed God to call me in his own way through people and places to remind me of his promises in scripture. That same evening I was helping out the youth group and our youth pastor was preaching and he mentioned these verses from scripture 

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing was separating me from God - it was lies that I was believing that was holding me back. God was calling me back.  This chapter reminds me that I was never worthy BUT God says "My son Jesus is and he will intercede on your behalf. So come, approach my throne because you are justified - I created you and have worth at the foot of my throne"

The tears now are starting to reflect that my worthlessness can be turned into acceptance. My imperfections can be accepted by love. I can approach the throne. 

Non-scale Victories

This is one of the few life motto's I have come across and adopted as a life mantra. A valuable lesson that needs to be on repeat.

Change your expectations

I have been recently participating in a diet called Whole30. The premise of this diet is to remove all sugar, dairy, all grains, legumes and alcohol for 30 days to do a systemic reset of your body and then to do a slow re-introduction of the eliminated food to see if there is anything that is making you feel unwell. I have the great privilege to do this with a group of people from my church otherwise I think my husband and I would have already given up. 

Some of the participants were choosing to measure the changes through body weight percentages. Being a women, a nurse, a friend and person who struggles with self image - I think body weight can be a challenging way to measure ones success. So I thought today that I would look at other victories that could be celebrated for this week. Some of them include...

Completing week 1 - this is freaking hard, breaking habits and maintaining self control. So YES! 7 days in the books

Learning new recipes - I have learned a lot about how to make things from scratch and that were genuinely money savers and tasted delicious like burgers and guacamole. 

Feeling confident - I am really proud of the self control that I have had over the past 7 days and I want to keep it up. 

Body composition changes - My favourites part about me are my eye lashes and lower legs... but now I am starting see my quadriceps again in my upper legs and that makes me smile. 

(ps. I would encourage you to do this as well - find something that you love about yourself no matter how small - I find its helps with my personal confidence)

No afternoon low - I feel like I have a continuous energy through the day - no afternoon low that begs for a nap and that also feels really good. 

So what does this have to do with expectations?  I didn't measure myself weight wise and I am not planning to but some of the group members did and disappointment and frustration came also. I was reminded that it is important to change our expectations and look for other victories. 

Effort is Required

I was on a run and was told the worst dating advice I had heard in a long time and I was very sad to hear that it still existed in Christian circles. The relationship had become hard, a challenge to see eye-to-eye and they were really struggling, and need peace. The average advice was, if the relationship got hard, then it is not meant to be and you should break up.

WHAT??!!

Is this what they know? All that they have been taught?

ALL relationships take work. Period.

You can not assume that something as beautiful as love in its complicated intricies, connections and mystery can just be created and maintain its self for life long enjoyment. It need to be nurtured, to be cared for so that it is sustained and grows.

So many people see work as a bad thing. As soon as work is needed in a relationship then it is assumed that it's not right. Wrong! As love grows and interweaves into the complexities of each individual, it slowly pulls them together and their messes become intangled. Each persons pains, flaws, inadequacies are revealed. All of those things in are messy. They require long conversations, maybe even gentle rebuke but most of all, a listening ear and a mind open to understanding.

So take heart brave one, and don't end something beautiful just because it requires work. Love grows in beauty with continuous nurture; talk often, be gentle and always be humble.

Love is always worth the effort.

To Feel Again

My wonderful sister recently got married and I had the privilege of standing as her matron of honour. It was a pretty emotional day as she is my baby sister and all. I was so excited and happy... and a little teary eyed too, but I never actually let the tears flow. I didn't allow the emotions flow through my body and allow myself to experience the moment, in some ways, its fullest potential.
My sister asked later that day why I had not let myself cry? A very small question really, but it actually caught me off guard. Why did I not let myself do that?

 I was pondering it more and after sometime of thinking I realized that the answer was very simple. I simply shut my emotions off. Maybe not off but I turned the dial waaaay down. I really don't know when the dial started shifting (probably a little while after the bomb in all reality) but it was then I discovered it. I could see why I did it. It was another coping mechanism so that maybe it would not hurt as much. The problem with this coping mechanism was that I stopped really feeling anything. And for me without feelings, experiencing life was not the same, I found life not fun.

I recall driving home from church down a country road with mostly green and telling my husband about this, saying I have to let myself feel again. That is the only way that I will be able to experience the world. So I started feeling and I was able to write again. It was hard and sometimes the emotions are ALOT; tears, anger, sadness. But there are the really happy times too. The laughing until you side hurt and crying because you are laughing so hard. Those are good things.

So cheers to those feelz, the good, great, bad, and the ugly because it how I experience this beautiful and messy world.

Dedicated to you Andrea, as you helped my heart feel again.

Written Sept 26, 2017.