To Feel Again

My wonderful sister recently got married and I had the privilege of standing as her matron of honour. It was a pretty emotional day as she is my baby sister and all. I was so excited and happy... and a little teary eyed too, but I never actually let the tears flow. I didn't allow the emotions flow through my body and allow myself to experience the moment, in some ways, its fullest potential.
My sister asked later that day why I had not let myself cry? A very small question really, but it actually caught me off guard. Why did I not let myself do that?

 I was pondering it more and after sometime of thinking I realized that the answer was very simple. I simply shut my emotions off. Maybe not off but I turned the dial waaaay down. I really don't know when the dial started shifting (probably a little while after the bomb in all reality) but it was then I discovered it. I could see why I did it. It was another coping mechanism so that maybe it would not hurt as much. The problem with this coping mechanism was that I stopped really feeling anything. And for me without feelings, experiencing life was not the same, I found life not fun.

I recall driving home from church down a country road with mostly green and telling my husband about this, saying I have to let myself feel again. That is the only way that I will be able to experience the world. So I started feeling and I was able to write again. It was hard and sometimes the emotions are ALOT; tears, anger, sadness. But there are the really happy times too. The laughing until you side hurt and crying because you are laughing so hard. Those are good things.

So cheers to those feelz, the good, great, bad, and the ugly because it how I experience this beautiful and messy world.

Dedicated to you Andrea, as you helped my heart feel again.

Written Sept 26, 2017. 

Backpacking in Killarney

My friend Haley is an awesome human and invited me to go backpacking through one of the trails in Killarney provincial park. I had never done anything like this before but it was amazing. We did a 4 day hike-in with everything we needed in 2 backpacks. It was really hard and rugged but amazing. I wanted to share a few thoughts and a few pictures.




Haley is very experienced at this and I trusted her fully - I never doubted her care for me or her lead on the trail. The "faith without doubt" concept - is much smaller right now in my personal faith. I need to feed my faith and remember how big God is.

The experts in the world say that going for a hike out in nature does one good to reduce stress. I would say it's true. This 4 day hike did not solve all my problems but it did definitely stabilized some brain synapses. I feel a little lighter.

Oh how I miss oak trees. Outside of this trip I could not remember the last time I saw an acorn. Stating that fact to my husband today made me teary eyed. I dearly miss being close to a forest and I really miss oak trees.

I am really proud of camping out for 3 nights (one of which resulted in serious frost on the ground) and feeling happy and content. I am strong and capable and can kick butt when required. Not everyone can do what I did and actually enjoy it and I am proud of that.

Those are my thoughts from my trip - not mind blowing by any means but right now they are a good place to start.

Keep Showing Up

During one of the conversations I was having at the rock climbing gym I was talking about an event that I was helping out with the youth group at my church. My friend asked me "What is youth group?" I was honestly taken aback by the question because youth group was 'normal' to me... something that I always knew existed and assumed everyone else did too.

"So what do you do?" was his next question and it was hard to give an answer.

"...well, I just show up really; I show up each week and talk to them, I listen to them and I let them know that I am around. I am consistent and if they need to talk, or if they want me to pray for them then I am here."

Being asked that question made me reflect on my own experience of youth group and the influences that have led me to be the leader that I am today.

Jr. High leader Mike - Mike showed up every week and loved music. I have very fond memories of listening to Toby Mac Portable Sounds album on the way to an event. I also remember asking him about his life, about him getting married and having kids. I was so naïve then and was super surprised that he wasn't married. Well Mike is married now and my heart swells seeing him with his wife and kids. Mike taught me the importance of conversation - invite the youth into your life, share your interests.

Sr. High leader - I don't remember her name but I do remember that one day she just stopped showing up. I still remember the feeling of being disappointed - that she didn't give us notice or anything. As an introverted person myself it takes energy to build relationships and I wasted time connecting with her. This leader taught me the importance of being consistent, those youth notice when you are gone - keep showing up.

Sr. High leader Denise - I remember Denise as this intense, super awesome women that was vulnerable and willing to walk along side me regarding my faith. Some of the stories she shared about her life I still remember and call on. Denise taught me the importance of being vulnerable - my stories remind the youth that I am human too, my struggles and triumph remind them that they can get through it too.

My youth leaders Ministry of Presence impacted my life then and have influenced the way I lead now. Thank you for being an example and helping me pass on the lessons you taught me. I will keep talking, stay vulnerable and I promise to keep showing up.

*To anyone who doesn't know Youth group is a weekly gathering of youth  (gr.9-12) at the church - we eat food, hang out and talk about Jesus. We also do monthly events and go on retreats every so often too.

Momentary Human Connection

A couple of days ago I went to the bar that a friend was performing a gig at. This was very much out of my comfort zone and not a place where you would normally see me. I was nervous walking in and I even asked my friend "so how do I buy a drink? I have never done this before"

Makes me laugh now... but guess what?! Bars in real life are like the ones you see on TV. 

We were sitting close to the front with the band I was supporting and a gentleman asked "how is your career going?" I was rather confused to be frank because I am a nurse not a musician, the gentlemen however thought I was a musician because I was sitting with all the instruments.

Anyway a few moments later that same gentlemen asks me to dance - a beautiful soft song was playing on stage and I said yes. This man ( I don't even know his name) said some very nice and kind things, compliments. {I have promised myself to accept compliments as they are and be grateful} The thing was, at the end I was like " I am taken, I am married...." and made it a rather awkward ending. ugh..

In that moment - 2 strangers enjoying the magic of music had a connection - however momentary - had a really beautiful human connection. I knew he knew I was married. I knew where I stood in my marriage. What I did not need to do was assume that the gentlemen wanted something more then a dance. I had friends behind me looking out and watching. I was safe and I knew where I stood. I missed out on truly experiencing a beautiful moment because I assumed the worst. In the future I want to embrace the connection - the momentary human connections that made our world beautiful.

Defining my Purpose

Aimless is defined as one without direction or purpose. Wondering aimlessly - moving but with no sense of a target, goal or direction.

Aimless would be a good word to describe the last little while, not really sure what to do next. How do I proceed into this time? What even do I want to do or achieve?

I recently completed a "Power of Purpose" Masterclass facilitated by Janice Stone. A wonderful women who I have had the privilege of knowing for a very long time. I had shared some of struggle with this aimlessness and she invited me to join.

And WOW! What an amazing experience it was! She encouraged us to see in ourselves new perspectives and challenge ourselves to find the best of who we are and what we value and then to create a statement. To define our purpose and apply it EVERYWHERE. In our work places, in our friend groups, and all other activities.

So this is me.

I will cheer on and care for those around me in the loud and quiet spaces to let their creativity and uniqueness be noticed and valued. 

Defining my purpose has provided direction in my workplace and in my personal life. I think slowly it will help to see my work life in a new light which I desperately need - burnout as a nurse is SO real. I am grateful that God gives all us unique and beautiful gifts that provide purpose that is unique to each one of us. 

** If you are interested in defining your purpose check out janicestone.ca , you will not be disappointed!** 

Moving Forward - My First Real Step

The fuel that drove me to take that first real step in collecting and discarding some debris(more about that here) from the bomb was a list from a blog written by Carey Nieuwhof.

The blog was towards leaders (I was leading a team at the time so I thought... that applies to me) The post was 25 pieces of advice that he had learned over the years. Some of those points helped me to move forward. I want to share with you a couple that really hit home for me.

Point #9 Get comfortable being around people who are smarter then you.
I realized that I needed to do this in order to move forward. I struggled (and continue to struggle) with this idea because I always based my identity in my smarts. I was never athletic so I thought my smarts could define me.... I know now there will always be someone smarter... and my smarts do not define my existence.
I am still working on the "getting comfortable" part. But, although they may be smarter my ideas are still worth contributing and I can gain so much for listening and participating in conversation.

Point #12 Pour increasing amounts of energy into your strengths
This helped me realize that my strengths are valuable and that they are worth the energy to improve them. That bomb had really destroyed my belief that my skills and strengths were worth something. This reminded me that God made me and gave what I have and those skills were (and still are) worth investing in.

Point #23 Trust again. Hope again. Believe again.
This point was what pushed me to start moving on. To stop just looking at all the debris around me and start picking up the pieces. I had to tell myself to trust that there was only 1 bomb and it had gone off and it was over. Trust that forgiveness was given and allow myself to believe in what the person had said.

To be honest, this first step of really moving forward, trying to let go of the debris happened in May 2015. The bomb went off 1 year and 8 months ago and that whole trust issue... I still struggle with it. I often still walk and act like another bomb is going to go off when I am around. I am working on it and will work on it... until I can trust again.

Moving Forward with Counselling

This post is a continuation of a story long over due, to share how I recovered from the Bomb and picked up some Debris. Moving forward with Counselling was the next tool I was provided to help me with this journey.

I was able to see a counsellor without any additional cost while I was in school which was such an amazing blessing, I was so grateful for that. When I had gone in I had asked the receptionist if they knew if any of the counsellors were christian and she recalled that one of them was so I requested to see him.

I recall that when I first decided to go see a counsellor, I was hesitate to say anything to anyone about it, I had this innate feeling of being ashamed for seeking that kind of help. I didn't really want to share it with anyone. Over time though as I shared it with more people I felt less self-conscious about it and simply thought of it as part of my weekly routine. What I find interesting about this is that the stigma around counselling was there, like the same stigma that exists with all kinds of mental health affiliations. I didn't really realize the impact of that stigma until I became apart of it.

I never find out it hard to go in and I found that the sessions went by very quickly but making the next appointment was challenging. Too be honest, I never had a closing session with him so I felt bad for that but I am very grateful for the service that he provided for me. These are some of the ways that he helped.

1. Accountability -- he would encourage me to do simple tasks and think through ideas that I had brought up. I was grateful that I could come back and share what I had accomplished or processed.

2. Asked good questions -- I know that is basically their job and all but I am still glad, I knew that he was trying to get to the root issue, to understand the rationale behind my reasoning or thought processes.

3. Gave me practical coping mechanisms -- I really valued this, as we talked he helped me to create ways to decrease my anxiety, helping me understand that small changes (like wearing nicer clothes) do not compromise who I am as a person.

If you feel the stigma against seeking help I encouraged you to quiet that voice inside your head and go seek help. It is 100% worth it.