Trust and Stay

I got a putty cat for Christmas and she is pretty hilarious. She is really easily spooked and has very much attached to me and is tolerant of my husband. He likes the cat too and I am sad that she doesn't like him but we are talking about a cat.

Meli was a stray and then we adopted her from my mom’s friend. This friend had a lot of other animals in the house and Meli was the outcast. I think her past really affected her. I wouldn't be surprised if a male human abused her. It makes me sad.

Last night Meli was brave and ventured into our room and jumped onto our bed to chill with me for a bit. Jonathan came in after me and Meli stayed on the bed. I could tell she was scared but she still stayed there. Meli was scared but she trusted me so she stayed. I knew that Meli was safe and that Jonathan was just going to get into bed and pet her, but Meli didn't know.

This may sound silly but I learned a lesson from my cat last night. I realized that I need to trust God and stay where he has placed me. God is in control of my situation and I need to trust him. I have been hurt but he still loves me and will provide all the comfort and safety that I need to continue to stay in the place that he has asked me to live.

I have always struggled, and continue to struggle with trusting Jesus and finding refuge in him. But that is why I am taking time off, to re-ground myself in him so that I can live my life through his strength and with his peace.

Finally

Finally done. I have no ties to school that require me to complete an assignment, hand in a test, slave over homework or study for an exam. Finally I have rest. That is how I think, when there is school I cannot rest. I am always thinking about the things that I need to get done and even then sometimes I forget what I am supposed to do. I liked to keep myself uptight thinking that it would help me get things done. What really happened is it burnt me out. Completely and utterly.

Understanding that, I know have to ask and discover -- How to find rest among the business of life.

Its kind of ironic but I can remember driving home from... anywhere really... and thinking that being stressed was comfortable because it gave me the motivation to get my homework done. I thought of the stress as a good thing. In all reality though it made me irritable at my husband and drove many relationships away.

In some ways stress can be good, it can give us the motivation to get things done. I think what happened with me unfortunately is that the stress became to strong, became to much. -- Looking at it from a very basic anatomical perspective our brain is made of up of pathways, series of synapses that tell our bodies what to do. When stress occurs frequently that pathway becomes stronger making the reaction stronger. So my normal stress response is now in someways hyper active.

Now I need to learn ways to change that reaction, to change the pathway so I can change my response to stimulants around me like emails, school assignments, planning outings with friends and spending time with family.

The thing that I am really grateful for right now is that I have an oppertunity to rest and change my brain. The brain can rewire, I am not stuck with a hyper active pathway, I can chose to change and chose to rest. I also have a place that gives rest. I was reminded of a verse that says

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

I need to go to him and find rest.

Thus the Poop

In October 2013 I attended a ladies retreat that is hosted by my church. It was a about 2.5 months since living with my husband. I remember sitting with a few of the ladies and they asked how marriage was going and I remember crying and telling them it was "shit, absolute shit" …  (two of the ladies were pastors wives) … slightly awkward as I think back to that. In all reality though, it wasn't that it was "poop" my marriage was non-existent.

I was married July 20, 2013 and did not move in with my husband until early August. Shortly after that my mother-in-law moved in, and did not return to Indonesia, (where she lives with her husband when she is not in Canada), until end of September. I had met her two previous times, once at a lunch and then going on vacation with my husbands family to Cuba. August and September were extremely challenging. I remember spending a lot of those months crying in bed because I was so frustrated and confused about what my life looked liked at that time.

And then the retreat came…thus the poop. 

At that retreat, the speaker (one of the pastors wives mentioned above) focused her sessions around the the theme of "Friendship without Fear" and the concept of women wearing masks. In all reality I don't remember much else from that retreat other then what she was talking about I was not ready to handle nor did I really understand it. She talked about taking off our masks and understanding the second half of the gospel. 

We received a book at the end of the retreat called

Grace for the Good Girl 

By: Emily p. Freeman

… and it has been sitting on my nightstand ever since. 

Shortly after I got it, I read through the first half which was all about the masks, but never got to the good stuff, the God stuff.  I picked it up again just a few days ago and I has really helped to create a starting point. To slowly take off my masks and find a new hiding place. To find a place that already existed all along I just never thought to look, and never really wanted to find. To no longer associate my identity with those masks that never really fit. So here is where I begin, my life is hidden with Christ. 

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.Colossians 3:3. 

Bombs and Debris

So it is official, I have taken a break from my nursing program and will continue in Fall of 2015, completing my degree in December. It wasn't really what I was expecting to happen this year but I made the right choice.

This time that I have taken off I want to make it intentional, I need it to be intentional. Last semester I gave it my all with school, work and becoming a leader for a missions trip to Indonesia. When it came to second semester I had nothing left emotionally or mentally. My brain and body went into complete panic mode resulting in some significant and unwanted panic/anxiety attacks. Those are not normal for me and I think that dealing with the anxiety sooner rather then later is worth waiting to finish my degree. In all reality, taking a break at this time is really the best option. I am not off for a full year which is the greatest part. It does make things more complicated with OSAP and paperwork but my mental health is worth it. I haven't been officially diagnosed with any kind of anxiety disorder but I know what I was experiencing.

Being married, living with in-laws, and navigating a family whose culture is sooo different from my own, have been catalysts to some personal issues coming to the surface after being under the radar for the last few years. The bomb exploded shortly after christmas which resulted in me having a crying/screaming-curling-up-into-a-ball-trying-to-disappear session. I didn't realize I had to deal with the debris until I attempted to enter my last semester. I was broken and torn to shreds. So here I am, taking a break and cleaning up the debris and hopefully preventing another explosion.

What did the explosion leave me with? It left with a longing to re-establish my identity, my friendships and my sanity. I hope to continue to write in this blog to share this journey of restoration that can only come through Christ. Come join me on this journey, through prayer or encouragement or simply taking your time to read this blog and maybe through it all, this place will be an encouragement to you as well.

Much love,
~ERP

Long Time Gone

Well once again here I am. A lot has past.

July 20, 2013 - I married Jonathan.

September -December 2013 - I lived with a man who was called my husband

January - May 2014 - Somewhere during that time I finally found our marriage

May - September 2014 - work and completed more school

September -November 2014 - Worked on school, worked on work, worked at heritage. worked. period

December 2014 - Discovery of friends, of hurts, of happiness

January 2014 - Realizing that I can not do it all so I am taking some time off of school to take care of myself. To be real, I need to connect with God and connect with people.

Maybe I will start this again. To tell my story so that you can see his glory.