Self

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me

-Jesus

Self. It has these desires of staying up late and sleeping in, drinking to it's heart content with only it in mind. Selfless. It has the desires of serving others, waking up early to spend time with a close friend; a King, and to go to bed tired from doing service for others. The battle between self and selfless has been one that has been dueling within my body and soul. This current battle that has been happening has not been to pretty either, with self often winning. With the battle looking pretty low I found the outside having its repercussions, being angry, doing things that I would not normally do and wondering astray.

The amazing thing about my the King is even though this battle was looking aweful, he came through, like he always does. I simply forget He is there. The whole time that I thought selfless was lossing I kept seeing foreshadows of victory, Him never giving up on me. Calling me through unexpected answered prayer, revelation of his word through communication with others and him pressing upon me to get back into his word through several differant sermons I stumbled apon with his guidence.

He calls me to deny self, it's desires, wants and infatuations with the world. I have discovered over the last little while that this is a choice that I must make and each moment of the day, each day of the week and each week of each year. I am simply grateful for the fact that that once the choice is made, he will help me stick to it, from start to finish.

This picture was taken as we were climbing Mount Cameroon, we were all pretty tired but still excited for the adventure that was adead. We never made it to the top but it was amazing what we got to see and explore during that time. Life is like that too, sometimes though we forget to be excited about what is ahead becuase we only see the mountian infront of us that we need to climb. Remember that you can go to him right where you are and give him the backpack that you are carrying. Then get ready to climb the mountian, because he carrying your load and all you have do to is be willing to keep going.

Little Gifts with fun History

With traveling friends and the blessing of souvenirs, I was given a necklace that made me rather curious so I decided to do some research.

I was given a beautiful necklace with a black cord and a pendant, the pendant being called a harmony ball and is traditional hung on a black cord. The harmony ball originated in Bali, a small Island near Indonesia. Within the ball there is a small bell that creates a gentle noise and vibrates. This is then to create a feeling of harmony and calmness to those who wear it. The harmony ball is also a symbol of of calm and relaxation. Pregnant women are often found wearing them to promote those things. It is often said that the baby is also able to recognize the sound of the harmony ball. It's probably more the fact that the baby can distinguish a mothers voice from others.

Anyway I am grateful for the gift and the small history that is associated with it.

Paul

This Man in passing will not be forgetton. For a small while I felt like I had a real grandpa. This was a poem that I wrote for him for school and I thought it would be a good description of who he was. I am excited to see him again with Jesus.
To Rev. Paul Martin 1925- 2012

Persevering    Dealing with the daily fight of cancer is no easy task

                     Yet looking at him you would think it was a blast

                     He sees each day as a delight
                     And his smile shines oh so bright!

Attentive   Always having a listening ear to give

                  Never worrying how far you live
                  He will always have wisdom to share

                  And you can be certain that he cares!

                 

Upbeat     He may look like he’d rather stay

                In the place he lives each day
                 but He has had adventures of old
                And their stories have been told!

Loyal     Whether he here or there or anywhere

             He will never forget the square
             Where he began his practice of preach
             And will continue until his last speech!

I forgot how big You were

It kinda crazy to think that last year this time I was in Africa serving the Oku people through promoting and learning their language. My heart and mind were in the missions mindset. Now with a year passing and much occurring it's easy to fall back into the regular routine without much thought and I have unfortunately fallen into this rut. Over the past few days in reading through Luke I have been convicted of doing this and failing to realize that I should have never left that mind set of missions or the place that my heart was in when I was leaving and on that trip.

The story of the Centurion in Luke showed me the lack of faith that I had put in Jesus over this past month. The Centurion knowing how much authority he had over his soldiers realized that it was nothing compared to the authority that Jesus had. The centurion knew that simply speaking Jesus could heal his servant and he did.

I have just like the song says, boxed God into my mind as smaller then he is. Forgetting the authority he has over all things and the power that he has. So as I move forward I am challenged to trust in this authority and power remembering that he can do all things, and I can trust that he will help me do the things I can't.

What I Started, Finished and Learned

I wrote a blog a while back about my mystery interview and I have noticed that I have not filled in the details. So lets do a recap. My mystery interview turned out to be with a water company.

I was hired by a water company as a in home sales person selling water conditioners and purification systems. At first it was sounding ok, but as I worked there longer I was finding it harder and harder to find satisfaction in my job or even how I could honour God in what I was doing, my heart was never in my job. In the end, less then a week and a bit I quit. To be honest I did a lot of wrestling with this job whether or not to quit and how I was fitting God into the equation.

Doing something that I was doing was never easy and I definitely learned a lot and made some mistakes. Here are my take-aways.

1. I am still a people pleaser.
I forgot what it meant to look only for acceptance from God.
I was looking to impress my boss by doing a good demonstration of the product, looking for my customers to like me and be impressed and I was looking for acceptance from those who I was working with and from my boss. I put on the back burner who was supposed to be first and that the only person that I need acceptance from was my king. I have come to learn that looking acceptance for my king will be a challenging thing do but knowing that I am doing it for him will help.

2. I struggled in trusting God resulting in much stress and frustration.
We were required to drive to each person's house that we were going to and find our own way there. Now because I don't have a GPS or Internet on my phone I had to resort to using paper maps which worked great when I had one, but when I didn't.... well that was another story. I failed to trust God that he would get me to each house safely and in good timing. It amazes me how easily our futile minds forget that our God is taking care and has control.

3. I struggled with hearing God's voice.
Since I had so much anxiety everything I went to work I was blocking out God's quite voice and was unable to hear him, leaving me starved for him.

4. I struggled with persevering through.
James 1:2-8 makes a very good point that persevering makes us stronger in our faith but a make who doubts God who gives wisdom will be unstable in what he does. I was doubting God that he would get me to where I was going, that he could through me do this job and so on. That left me really unstable, I could see my self constantly going back and forth on an emotional level and I knew that it was not healthy.

5.I think I made the right choice.
I decided to quit because this job was not drawing me any closer to God but rather it was pulling me away. I read a book once and it talked about the differences of trials that bring you closer to God and Satan trying to intervene and pull you away from God. I think that this job was doing just that, pulling me away from my creator and forcing me to rely on my own strength.
I understand that one can honour God through everything that they do but I did not understand how I could honour God through my job and how it this was bringing me closer to him.

So right now I am waiting for a job as a PSW to come up and I think I do have something promising. I understand that I will face these same challenges working as a PSW but I also know that my job I am able to serve and help people. Something that aligns much more with my nature. I am grateful that I could walk away and thankful that God is indeed taking care of me.

ID is Required

 It's required at a lot of places, at gas stations to pick up the cigarettes, the pub, club, bar to get into and the police station when that police check is due.

Having self identity is also required for life. Everyone has their own identity of who they are. The thing that I have come to realize is that identity is always placed in something. We define ourselves by something that is outside ourselves. Now this can range from something that we do, something we are a part of or a goal that we want to obtain. For myself I have found to have placed some of my identity of being an outdoor "camp" person, being smart and having good grades. Others place their identity in the idea that they are beautiful, or great at art/crafts, or the job that they do. The problem in placing our identity in these things is that they are fleeting. We get a new job, we change what we do, how we look and how we act because life is fleeting, changing and always moving. So people often change or lose their identity because of circumstances are changing around them.

The thing that makes my head spin a little is that our identity defines who we are, so if it changes are we really the same person? How can we find identity if it is always changing? I don't really know how to answer those questions, or if they really need to be answered at all.

And yet another place that people find their identity in is their religion. For me I am a christian so I find my identity in Christ. It took me until last year with a late night brainstorm in order to determine this but I did. Everything that I do (or want to do... see Romans 7:14 on) is because I have placed my identity in him. Now the interesting thing for me is that because my identity is in Him, and He does not change then my core essence, the most intimate and deepest thing of who I am doesn't change.

Grounded, when I think of who I am I think of being grounded. Grounded in Christ and knowing that I know where I can find my ID, in Him.