Thus the Poop

In October 2013 I attended a ladies retreat that is hosted by my church. It was a about 2.5 months since living with my husband. I remember sitting with a few of the ladies and they asked how marriage was going and I remember crying and telling them it was "shit, absolute shit" …  (two of the ladies were pastors wives) … slightly awkward as I think back to that. In all reality though, it wasn't that it was "poop" my marriage was non-existent.

I was married July 20, 2013 and did not move in with my husband until early August. Shortly after that my mother-in-law moved in, and did not return to Indonesia, (where she lives with her husband when she is not in Canada), until end of September. I had met her two previous times, once at a lunch and then going on vacation with my husbands family to Cuba. August and September were extremely challenging. I remember spending a lot of those months crying in bed because I was so frustrated and confused about what my life looked liked at that time.

And then the retreat came…thus the poop. 

At that retreat, the speaker (one of the pastors wives mentioned above) focused her sessions around the the theme of "Friendship without Fear" and the concept of women wearing masks. In all reality I don't remember much else from that retreat other then what she was talking about I was not ready to handle nor did I really understand it. She talked about taking off our masks and understanding the second half of the gospel. 

We received a book at the end of the retreat called

Grace for the Good Girl 

By: Emily p. Freeman

… and it has been sitting on my nightstand ever since. 

Shortly after I got it, I read through the first half which was all about the masks, but never got to the good stuff, the God stuff.  I picked it up again just a few days ago and I has really helped to create a starting point. To slowly take off my masks and find a new hiding place. To find a place that already existed all along I just never thought to look, and never really wanted to find. To no longer associate my identity with those masks that never really fit. So here is where I begin, my life is hidden with Christ. 

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.Colossians 3:3. 

Bombs and Debris

So it is official, I have taken a break from my nursing program and will continue in Fall of 2015, completing my degree in December. It wasn't really what I was expecting to happen this year but I made the right choice.

This time that I have taken off I want to make it intentional, I need it to be intentional. Last semester I gave it my all with school, work and becoming a leader for a missions trip to Indonesia. When it came to second semester I had nothing left emotionally or mentally. My brain and body went into complete panic mode resulting in some significant and unwanted panic/anxiety attacks. Those are not normal for me and I think that dealing with the anxiety sooner rather then later is worth waiting to finish my degree. In all reality, taking a break at this time is really the best option. I am not off for a full year which is the greatest part. It does make things more complicated with OSAP and paperwork but my mental health is worth it. I haven't been officially diagnosed with any kind of anxiety disorder but I know what I was experiencing.

Being married, living with in-laws, and navigating a family whose culture is sooo different from my own, have been catalysts to some personal issues coming to the surface after being under the radar for the last few years. The bomb exploded shortly after christmas which resulted in me having a crying/screaming-curling-up-into-a-ball-trying-to-disappear session. I didn't realize I had to deal with the debris until I attempted to enter my last semester. I was broken and torn to shreds. So here I am, taking a break and cleaning up the debris and hopefully preventing another explosion.

What did the explosion leave me with? It left with a longing to re-establish my identity, my friendships and my sanity. I hope to continue to write in this blog to share this journey of restoration that can only come through Christ. Come join me on this journey, through prayer or encouragement or simply taking your time to read this blog and maybe through it all, this place will be an encouragement to you as well.

Much love,
~ERP

Long Time Gone

Well once again here I am. A lot has past.

July 20, 2013 - I married Jonathan.

September -December 2013 - I lived with a man who was called my husband

January - May 2014 - Somewhere during that time I finally found our marriage

May - September 2014 - work and completed more school

September -November 2014 - Worked on school, worked on work, worked at heritage. worked. period

December 2014 - Discovery of friends, of hurts, of happiness

January 2014 - Realizing that I can not do it all so I am taking some time off of school to take care of myself. To be real, I need to connect with God and connect with people.

Maybe I will start this again. To tell my story so that you can see his glory.

Finding Places that I have Missed

I haven't posted in a really long time and I often wonder if anyone reads these. But I guess the original point of this blog was to simply write my thoughts and feelings. A LOT has happened since I was last in this place but I am looking forward to returning. I don't think I will blog all that often but I have found the place were I went to read blogs that were often an encouragement and  a lovely break from homework. I am looking forward to reading these again.

I am grateful for this space.

Little Mr. Forgetful

When I was younger I always grew up with the Little Mr. and Little Miss. books. My mom always would read them to my sister and I. I also remember her telling me that sometimes she would have a rather hard time getting through a book because she found them sooo funny, but we where to young to get the humor. Anywho I have to say that I feel like Little Mr. Forgetful over these past few days.

Little Mr. Forgetful and I can relate on two things.
He is small and so am I
He is forgetful and I am forgetful

I do often forget where my keys are and where my phone is but what is even more dreadful is I have forgotten what GRACE is.
I forget that it means that no matter how bad I mess up that I can still go to him and tell him I am sorry. It also means that I can still go to my bible and hear from his word.
His small voice though can only be heard when I geniunely accept the fact that he has given me grace.

This is sooo challenging for me. I am coming from a world where a mistake is a mistake and will always be a mistake. In the acedemia world and espically in the nursing world mistakes can not simply be washed away. But with Jesus they are! When he looks at me after I have asked him for forgiveness he does not see that stain, that dirtyness. What I still wrestle with is the fact that he still can see my concequences, why doesn't he see the sin?

It something that I am really wrestling through and have yet to find the answer. But the cool thing is that he is still ready to speak through his word if I am ready to listen.

He is ready to speak, if we are ready to listen.

Made for the Job

I think God has designed me to be a nurse. I was thinking about this as I was working on an "Thinking Like a  Nurse" sheet for school. With nursing, you are active for much of the day, always on your feet, assisting one patient to the other. At the end of the shift you are required to document EVERYTHING that you did that day and EVERYTHING that the patient did that day (minus sleeping and sitting in their room by themselves) that is the ONLY thing that is not on their charting. Everything else from eating to pooping to medication to visitors to walking and anything else that you can think has to be documented. That's really the only time where a nurse gets to sit down and not be moving around. It's really a good balance for me. Documenting still hard core requires brain power but it does give your body a little bit of a break before one needs to get up and moving again.

And that is how I like things. I like that I can move around during my job and I don't have to sit all day. I think God designed me this way so I could be a nurse :)
I am thankful that he thinks of these little things while he is knitting together our DNA strands to create something he always knows will be beautiful.

HURRAY! For walking and sitting and moving and serving and nursing!

Life update

There is so much yet so little going on right now. I can't let you in on the big stuff yet but that will come soon I promise and I am super excited to share it with everyone. One the other hand very little other then the norm is going on. It is going to that time of year again when school is starting on it's wind down which means the last things that need to get done are being finished and the workload will increase rather shortly.

I was able to go home this past weekend which was rather nice but I never seem to get near as much as I do  here. Driving always takes a long time and by the time I get home I have no desire to do anything because I have been driving for 2 hrs.

Work has been challenging as well, I think I have just been doing the same job a little to long and sometimes I don't have the greatest influences around me when it comes to work. I am currently trying to re-motivate myself for this job because it does have good pay and good hours.

I have discovered that one of the challenges that I have faced this semester is laziness. To sleep a little longer, to go on facebook more often and scroll through pinterest for a little to long. It definitely has been challenging but to God's good timing and amazing grace it is almost over. He is amazing that way. Always knowing how much you can handle and then gives you a little more so that his glory may be revealed through relying on his strength to get through the day!

I have to say though I am looking forward to a change of pace and to see grass again! YAY for spring :)