The fuel that drove me to take that first real step in collecting and discarding some debris(more about that here) from the bomb was a list from a blog written by Carey Nieuwhof.
The blog was towards leaders (I was leading a team at the time so I thought... that applies to me) The post was 25 pieces of advice that he had learned over the years. Some of those points helped me to move forward. I want to share with you a couple that really hit home for me.
Point #9 Get comfortable being around people who are smarter then you.
I realized that I needed to do this in order to move forward. I struggled (and continue to struggle) with this idea because I always based my identity in my smarts. I was never athletic so I thought my smarts could define me.... I know now there will always be someone smarter... and my smarts do not define my existence.
I am still working on the "getting comfortable" part. But, although they may be smarter my ideas are still worth contributing and I can gain so much for listening and participating in conversation.
Point #12 Pour increasing amounts of energy into your strengths
This helped me realize that my strengths are valuable and that they are worth the energy to improve them. That bomb had really destroyed my belief that my skills and strengths were worth something. This reminded me that God made me and gave what I have and those skills were (and still are) worth investing in.
Point #23 Trust again. Hope again. Believe again.
This point was what pushed me to start moving on. To stop just looking at all the debris around me and start picking up the pieces. I had to tell myself to trust that there was only 1 bomb and it had gone off and it was over. Trust that forgiveness was given and allow myself to believe in what the person had said.
To be honest, this first step of really moving forward, trying to let go of the debris happened in May 2015. The bomb went off 1 year and 8 months ago and that whole trust issue... I still struggle with it. I often still walk and act like another bomb is going to go off when I am around. I am working on it and will work on it... until I can trust again.
Friday, August 12, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
Moving Forward with Counselling
This post is a continuation of a story long over due, to share how I recovered from the Bomb and picked up some Debris. Moving forward with Counselling was the next tool I was provided to help me with this journey.
I was able to see a counsellor without any additional cost while I was in school which was such an amazing blessing, I was so grateful for that. When I had gone in I had asked the receptionist if they knew if any of the counsellors were christian and she recalled that one of them was so I requested to see him.
I recall that when I first decided to go see a counsellor, I was hesitate to say anything to anyone about it, I had this innate feeling of being ashamed for seeking that kind of help. I didn't really want to share it with anyone. Over time though as I shared it with more people I felt less self-conscious about it and simply thought of it as part of my weekly routine. What I find interesting about this is that the stigma around counselling was there, like the same stigma that exists with all kinds of mental health affiliations. I didn't really realize the impact of that stigma until I became apart of it.
I never find out it hard to go in and I found that the sessions went by very quickly but making the next appointment was challenging. Too be honest, I never had a closing session with him so I felt bad for that but I am very grateful for the service that he provided for me. These are some of the ways that he helped.
1. Accountability -- he would encourage me to do simple tasks and think through ideas that I had brought up. I was grateful that I could come back and share what I had accomplished or processed.
2. Asked good questions -- I know that is basically their job and all but I am still glad, I knew that he was trying to get to the root issue, to understand the rationale behind my reasoning or thought processes.
3. Gave me practical coping mechanisms -- I really valued this, as we talked he helped me to create ways to decrease my anxiety, helping me understand that small changes (like wearing nicer clothes) do not compromise who I am as a person.
If you feel the stigma against seeking help I encouraged you to quiet that voice inside your head and go seek help. It is 100% worth it.
I was able to see a counsellor without any additional cost while I was in school which was such an amazing blessing, I was so grateful for that. When I had gone in I had asked the receptionist if they knew if any of the counsellors were christian and she recalled that one of them was so I requested to see him.
I recall that when I first decided to go see a counsellor, I was hesitate to say anything to anyone about it, I had this innate feeling of being ashamed for seeking that kind of help. I didn't really want to share it with anyone. Over time though as I shared it with more people I felt less self-conscious about it and simply thought of it as part of my weekly routine. What I find interesting about this is that the stigma around counselling was there, like the same stigma that exists with all kinds of mental health affiliations. I didn't really realize the impact of that stigma until I became apart of it.
I never find out it hard to go in and I found that the sessions went by very quickly but making the next appointment was challenging. Too be honest, I never had a closing session with him so I felt bad for that but I am very grateful for the service that he provided for me. These are some of the ways that he helped.
1. Accountability -- he would encourage me to do simple tasks and think through ideas that I had brought up. I was grateful that I could come back and share what I had accomplished or processed.
2. Asked good questions -- I know that is basically their job and all but I am still glad, I knew that he was trying to get to the root issue, to understand the rationale behind my reasoning or thought processes.
3. Gave me practical coping mechanisms -- I really valued this, as we talked he helped me to create ways to decrease my anxiety, helping me understand that small changes (like wearing nicer clothes) do not compromise who I am as a person.
If you feel the stigma against seeking help I encouraged you to quiet that voice inside your head and go seek help. It is 100% worth it.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
English Class
Recently I have been back into books. I am currently immersed in the world of "The mortal Instruments" a series by Cassandra Clare. I have always loved fantasy with magic and fairies. My sister is actually the one who introduced me to first movie and that failed. Then they tried to make it a TV series on Netflix and if you ask me that is also a fail. If you can get past the bad acting then its not half bad. I still say that the books are better but most avid readers will always say that.
Books have always had a theme. Whether children, young adult or super dry literature, every piece has a point, a theme that the author is trying to communicate. That's what I learned from English class at least... but I think they were correct... although I was never a fan of that class. The themes that we always pointed out in English class were identity, love, rejection, love, acceptance, worth and other that I am definitely forgetting.
The theme of "The Mortal Instruments" Book 1-3 (one of them at least) is the lack of personal identity and lack of self worth. A character is unsure of who his father is and has never felt truly accepted by the family that adopted him.
**At this point in English class I would be required to create a thesis statement with 3 main points about how I believe these themes exist in the book. I passed English class, so I am done.**
The most interesting component about looking for themes within books is that our personal lives also always seem to be full of them. They are universal and parallel to the themes and ideas that we wrestle with in our own personal lives. Amazing how God uses books to show us again and again these themes that are often true of our own lives, something that we struggle with, that we lack. Many books try to resolve these themes through self love, finding acceptance in friends or finally entering that romantic relationship and the stories have happy ending.
In real life, the ones that we live, the resolution to those things that we wrestle with or lack does not come so easily. Temporary solutions might arise like the ones listed above but often I still feel that I am lacking, and the reason it feels like this is because it is true. Things of this world are only perfect for a time before the taint of sin exposes its self and shows these fillers are broken and are unable to completely satisfy that desire.
That is why I am so grateful for Jesus. He has created a space were I can enter into a relationship with him to permanently and completely satisfies the gaps, the things that are lacking because of who he is. I know that his love has no limits, no stipulations, no conditions, and endless forgiveness. All I need to do is believe that he does what he says he will.
Jesus is always pointing his creation back to himself, including these books, all I have to do is keep looking for him.
Books have always had a theme. Whether children, young adult or super dry literature, every piece has a point, a theme that the author is trying to communicate. That's what I learned from English class at least... but I think they were correct... although I was never a fan of that class. The themes that we always pointed out in English class were identity, love, rejection, love, acceptance, worth and other that I am definitely forgetting.
The theme of "The Mortal Instruments" Book 1-3 (one of them at least) is the lack of personal identity and lack of self worth. A character is unsure of who his father is and has never felt truly accepted by the family that adopted him.
**At this point in English class I would be required to create a thesis statement with 3 main points about how I believe these themes exist in the book. I passed English class, so I am done.**
The most interesting component about looking for themes within books is that our personal lives also always seem to be full of them. They are universal and parallel to the themes and ideas that we wrestle with in our own personal lives. Amazing how God uses books to show us again and again these themes that are often true of our own lives, something that we struggle with, that we lack. Many books try to resolve these themes through self love, finding acceptance in friends or finally entering that romantic relationship and the stories have happy ending.
In real life, the ones that we live, the resolution to those things that we wrestle with or lack does not come so easily. Temporary solutions might arise like the ones listed above but often I still feel that I am lacking, and the reason it feels like this is because it is true. Things of this world are only perfect for a time before the taint of sin exposes its self and shows these fillers are broken and are unable to completely satisfy that desire.
That is why I am so grateful for Jesus. He has created a space were I can enter into a relationship with him to permanently and completely satisfies the gaps, the things that are lacking because of who he is. I know that his love has no limits, no stipulations, no conditions, and endless forgiveness. All I need to do is believe that he does what he says he will.
Jesus is always pointing his creation back to himself, including these books, all I have to do is keep looking for him.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Moving Forward with Mindfulness
Back last year, (crazy to think that it was already a year ago) I took a break from my nursing degree and tried to pick of the pieces of my recked self. I never actually shared any of that progress here and it was my intention, so I thought that I would share some pieces of it now.
I did a couple of different things to help me get better and control my anxiety that had become overwhelming. These included counselling, a mindfulness workshop and lots of rest.
The mindfulness class that I did was through the collage that I attended and was recommended by the counselor that I was seeing. We met once a week for I believe 8 weeks each work learning and practicing different forms or mindfulness and meditation. We were encouraged to practice these on our own time and each week talk about what we had experienced over the week. I found that some of these techniques were very helpful and I continue to use them to this day.
The most helpful guided mediation I found can be found here.
I found this one the most helpful because it only takes 3 minutes and it helps to calm your mind and breath and brings the present moment into focus.
These are a few things that I took away from this class.
1. Being observant of my breath can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system and shut down the sympathetic fight/flight response.
2. Some really simple mediations that can help relax and focus my mind to help me continue with my day.
3. A good reminder that it is important to meditate on Gods word. The psalmist David talked about meditating on the book of the law (aka now the bible). This class encouraged me to take the time to sit and memorize and soak in one verse. I use the memory verse that the church is working on for that month.
4. Eating mindfully is hard but fun. Mindful eating is the idea of using all 5 of our senses to enjoy the food that we are eating. Slowing down can helped me to really enjoy the food and I have heard that when you eat slower you generally eat less.
Participating in this workshop provided me with some simple and helpful tools to help me focus during a really busy and stressful situation. I can place my full attention into the current situation and allow my brain to focus and think on what needs to get done.
I did a couple of different things to help me get better and control my anxiety that had become overwhelming. These included counselling, a mindfulness workshop and lots of rest.
The mindfulness class that I did was through the collage that I attended and was recommended by the counselor that I was seeing. We met once a week for I believe 8 weeks each work learning and practicing different forms or mindfulness and meditation. We were encouraged to practice these on our own time and each week talk about what we had experienced over the week. I found that some of these techniques were very helpful and I continue to use them to this day.
The most helpful guided mediation I found can be found here.
I found this one the most helpful because it only takes 3 minutes and it helps to calm your mind and breath and brings the present moment into focus.
These are a few things that I took away from this class.
1. Being observant of my breath can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system and shut down the sympathetic fight/flight response.
2. Some really simple mediations that can help relax and focus my mind to help me continue with my day.
3. A good reminder that it is important to meditate on Gods word. The psalmist David talked about meditating on the book of the law (aka now the bible). This class encouraged me to take the time to sit and memorize and soak in one verse. I use the memory verse that the church is working on for that month.
4. Eating mindfully is hard but fun. Mindful eating is the idea of using all 5 of our senses to enjoy the food that we are eating. Slowing down can helped me to really enjoy the food and I have heard that when you eat slower you generally eat less.
Participating in this workshop provided me with some simple and helpful tools to help me focus during a really busy and stressful situation. I can place my full attention into the current situation and allow my brain to focus and think on what needs to get done.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Body Systems Challenge
I have always enjoyed spending time at the gym. I enjoyed using the weight machines when I was in high school and working at the YMCA. In a lot ways it has become a stress reliever, especially running, just me and the sound of my breath as I push. I am excited for it to warm up again so I can start running outside again.
In the meantime my friend Laura and I have been working through this Body systems challenge. Its 3 months of pre planned workouts that focus on losing weight and building muscle. We have almost complete 1 month of the program!
What I love!
1. That it is different every day, although each week we are working the same muscle groups, the program integrates a variety of different moves which makes it a lot less boring.
2. I am learning new exercises that I can use after this program is done.
3. Working out with Laura is an awesome motivator and she is hilarious so I love that.
4. Its working! I am seeing changes with the way I look. I have greater definition in my shoulders and biceps... aka I have guns!
What I do not love...
1. I don't get to sleep in as much and miss my morning with my hubby.
2. Sometimes the workout sessions are LONG LONG LONG!
As you can see the Good stuff weigh out the non-love so Laura and I are sticking with it! I am excited to see what the final results are.
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| Those are my guns! |
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| My swolemate Laura Her before and after pics of since we started working out together |
Friday, March 4, 2016
Problems are not problems before they occur
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
-Charles M. Schulz
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
-Albert Einstein
Prepare for the worst, Hope for the Best
-unknown
It is important to always stay curious.
-unknown
Problems are not problems before they occur. After a problem has sprouted, it is indeed proper and prudent to address the problem. But to attend to a problem before it manifested as a problem is foolhardy. Refrain from attempting to present problems that are, at the moment, not existent.
-Donika K. Paul
It takes a strong person to get old.
-Aquafit lady
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
-Jean -Paul Sartre
Most of us have gears we never use.
-Charles M. Schulz
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
-Albert Einstein
Prepare for the worst, Hope for the Best
-unknown
It is important to always stay curious.
-unknown
Problems are not problems before they occur. After a problem has sprouted, it is indeed proper and prudent to address the problem. But to attend to a problem before it manifested as a problem is foolhardy. Refrain from attempting to present problems that are, at the moment, not existent.
-Donika K. Paul
It takes a strong person to get old.
-Aquafit lady
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
-Jean -Paul Sartre
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