Decade in Review

Today at work the social worker asked 3 questions
1. What is your best memory?
2. What was your favourite concert?
3. What was your favourite travel destination?

I said - "I don't think I have been to a concert in the last 10 years." They were pretty surprised by that statement - I am not a music person by any means so concerts aren't on my radar. These were good questions though and got me thinking about the years that have gone by. So I thought it would be fun to do a decade in review. 1-2 sentences max about the last 10 years. I was 18 years old when January 1, 2010 hit and now 27 years on Dec 31, 2019... this is what went down.

2010 - finished high school, went to Poland on a mission trip and started my first year of post secondary schooling at bible college.
2011 - finished my year at bible college and went to Cameroon on a mission trip to promote the bible n the oku language.
2012 - started my first year of nursing school and started dating my husband
2013 - married my husband Jonathan (best memory of the decade)
2014 - survived (barely) 3rd year of nursing school and my first year of marriage
2015 - first panic attack, dropped out of nursing school for my last semester and travelled to Indonesia to lead a team on short terms mission trip. Finished nursing school.
2016 - passed my NCLEX and got my first nursing job
2017 - lived on permanent night shift, started playing D&D - became a full blown nerd
2018 - started visiting community nursing, bible study and shaved part of my head
2019 - took an LOA from work, got my first really big tattoo and started rock climbing

In the past decade, I finished my degree, travelled to 3 different continents with short term missions, got married and started my career as a nurse. It's be an crazy, intense mind hurting and healing ride. God has continued to call me to himself and I hope through these things God can be glorified. I have no idea what the next 10 years have in store - I know it won't look anything like this and that is where the adventure begins.

Christmas Latte's

I have noticed that the Christmas season has been really hard for me this year. It was hard to feel festive, to feel the magic of Christmas lights, the decorations and the Christmas trees. I didn't realize it but I had a little Christmas tradition that I wasn't able to participate in this year that threw me off hard.


Ever since I met my husband Starbucks has been my coffee shop. Yes, (sigh...) I know it is incredibly expensive but when I was in school and my Starbucks store was 24hr, well... I spend A LOT of time there and Starbucks refills were my saving grace. So every year at Christmas when Starbucks Christmas launch occurs my favourite drinks comes out of a Caramel Brule Latte.


Every year now, for probably as I long as I have been married I go to Starbucks, get my latte and welcome the Christmas season. I sit in Starbucks reflecting about how my favourite season has begun.


This year though - since I was on the whole30 - that little micro tradition didn't happen. I didn't really realize how much that little tradition meant to me until I had that latte. To me that first sip in my Starbucks shop brings my Christmas to life. I now wrestle with that thought a bit because I ask myself "Is that what Christmas is to me now?" Latte's and the stress of finding the right Christmas gift for a constantly expending family in law? But often times in that first sip I am still there at Starbucks, with my phone or laptop and as I sit there I reflect on what Christmas really is - Jesus.


Christmas is Jesus - his beautiful entrance into the world as tiny little human. For a moment taking off his full ability of God and stepping into time a as a human. To walk the same earth that I do and fulfilling all the prophecies and expectancy of a saviour. His entrance was not what we expected but it was what we needed.
So as the Christmas season is almost through (only 2 days left until the day) I would like to say

Welcome Christmas Season. Thank you Jesus for coming, I hope I celebrate you well.

You are still you.

I have been working a lot lately in the world of palliative care and have learned a few things. 

I learned that palliative care is just that - a care plan. Yet we often phrase it “you have been deemed palliative” or “you are palliative”. In so many ways we are reducing that person to that one thing - that one concept. I had heard about this idea in class and read the theories but until I actually SAW it happen I didn’t realize the impact it had. 

I was caring for a patient who had been deemed palliative and they thought that was all they were. Their perspective was that everything was being taken away and everyone had given up. They made very clear that they hated using that word "palliative".

When it was explained “you are still who you are...... palliation - it’s an approach - so that when new HCP* join your team they have an idea of what your goals are. But that does not define you - You are still you.” I fully watched the pts expression change and it looked as if their whole body relaxed - so much tension was held over that label. 

That really challenged me as a nurse and how my communication impact the patients view of themselves. It reminded me of an idea or thought that was explained at a conference. Palliative care and treatment can go together - working side by side to produce the best care of comfort to create a current trajectory of excellent quality of life. 

It also challenged me to recognize labels that I might be putting on a person. It reminded me to always first look at my patient as a person, to see who they are. This patient was challenging but I was shown how to see them and how big of a difference that can make; to look past their fears and their projections and see them as human, a human like me.

It challenged me to approach my conversations regarding palliative care in a different light. To make it as clear as possible that palliative care is a care plan that promotes quality of life. Time with family and friends. Time to leave behind a legacy of who they are - to reflect and explore their impact on the people they love the most. Yes, most people who have a palliative care plan are dying but until they are dead they have time to live. My job is to provide the best tools and services I can offer so they can do it well. 

*HCP Health Care Professional

All Authority

This past Thursday I had the opportunity to speak at the youth group that I help out in. I was talking about Jesus I AM statements of "I am the gate" and "I am the good shepherd" Talking in front of the whole youth group instead of doing bible study was so much more nerve racking. I am really grateful that it went well.

The interesting part was the last verses in that passage. It states

John 10:17-19

"For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me me but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from the Father."

I  called these statements Jesus' 'mic drop'. In these words Jesus is proclaiming that he has ALL authority over life and death. Jesus says that he will die and come back to life - and that coming back to life part - he is involved in that. By his own sheer power he can allow himself to come back to life. How unfathomable is that?!

Jesus has authority over death and life and everything in between. As I was reflecting on that passage a poem that I wrote came to mind (see previous post) I had given these people in my life so much authority - so much power allowing them to define me in their space. By asking that 'what if' question I gave myself the permission to take the authority that I had given these people and put it back on Jesus. The authority that really belonged to him the whole time.

When I actually let Him have that space - wow - talk about freedom. I didn't have to hide behind a mask of perfection. I didn't have to fit into a mold to feel accepted, I could simply be me.
That. is. freedom. That is pasture. Those people are still going to push me to fit the mold and/or press their expectations down onto me but! now; now I can say no. Now, in the midst of the chaos - I can find pasture.

"I am the door, if anyone enters by me, he will come and go and find pasture" vs. 7 

What if?

What if I just said no?

What if I just stopped giving you the permission to hang that over me? 

You no longer had any bearing of how I saw myself when you looked at me. 

What if I said no. 

No to your disappointment

No to your expectations

No to your dragging through the dirt

What if I stopped believing that... 

Your disappointment defines my value

Your expectations define my worth

Your aggressions define my interactions

My value is defined by the One who paints the sunsets

My worth is defined by my unique gifts - my creativity, vulnerability and quirks

My interaction can be intentional and not reactional

What if I started believing I was enough?

What if I stopped believing you.

Shoes

Shoes

Little feet, small shoes, short steps

Pedicured toes, right size, good pace.

MAKE your feet grow!

CHANGE your shoes!

TAKE bigger steps!

Small feet, different shoes, larger steps

Blistered toes, worn out shoes, tired pace.

NO!

Little feet, small shoes, shorter steps

Pedicured toes, right size, good pace.

Kept walking.

A poem based on perceived expectations that I allowed to be placed on me by another woman. I can not fulfill your expectations. Placing those expectations aside, defining my own path - I will keep walking. 

Finding hope with Oak Trees

Research suggests that the best antidote for burnout is Hope. Hope is a big word, a big concept - to have hope in someone, of something, or the future.  When I was reading articles, trying to understand how to heal from burnout, I asked myself where do I find hope? I was hoping in a new job, hoping for better outcomes hoping for something to change. I was placing my hope in things that I could not control. Things that were temporary. Ask I continued to read and think this line continued to pop into my head; 

Where does my hope come from? It comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  

What I was really thinking of was a song from my childhood Sunday morning worship by Brian Derksen who wrote a song based on Psalm 121.

I lift my eyes up  Up to the mountains  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from You  Maker of Heaven  Creator of the earth 

Oh, how I need You Lord  You are my only hope  You're my only prayer  So I will wait for You  To come and rescue me  Come and give me life

I have access to a hope that is eternal, steadfast and in control despite the chaos in my word. The problem being I was so afraid to hold onto that hope because I didn't believe that I was worthy of it. I didn't believe that I was accepted by God and could have access to that hope. Those chains that I have been bound by are starting to come free. 

So what does this have to do with oak trees? Its coming I promise. 
When I came home from Killarney I was very teary eyed over not remembering the last time I saw Oak trees. I really do love forests and the momentary escape that nature can provide - God reveals himself in such a beautiful way through creation. 

As I was driving I saw that there were new trees being planted along a road that I drive frequently. In addition to that there were Oak trees, little baby oak trees and it that moment I could thought God saying

"Here, I saw your tears of oak trees. I was always here, listening - I will give you hope - here are your oak trees" 

God was answering that question - you find hope in me - come to me and let me restore you. So I say this with full confidence, I am very grateful for oak trees.